When grandparents undo what your child's therapist is working on, it is almost always love, not sabotage. Dadi hands over the phone because she cannot bear to hear him cry. Nana feeds her by hand because that is how he shows care. They are not trying to block progress. Usually they do not understand why the therapist is asking for something that looks harsh, or they feel their own parenting is being criticised.
What works is to show rather than tell (let them watch a session), agree on two or three rules instead of twenty, give them a job they are good at, let the therapist explain the "why", and protect their bond with your child throughout. The scripts below give you the exact words.
Why grandparents push back on therapy
Our post on talking to grandparents about a diagnosis covers the first conversation. This one is about what happens after, in the daily routine, when the plan meets the joint family.
- Different times, different rules. They raised children with no therapists, no screens and many relatives around. "We never needed all this" is honest from where they stand.
- Indulgence is how they love. Grandparents in India often see their role as the softer side of the family. Saying no to a grandchild can feel like failing at that role.
- Therapy can feel like criticism. When a young therapist says "Don't do things for him", a grandmother may hear "You did it wrong."
- Watching a child struggle is painful. A speech therapist waiting for a word, or an occupational therapist letting a child try buttons for the fifth time, can look cruel to someone who does not know the goal.
- Hierarchy. In many homes, a daughter-in-law correcting her mother-in-law is simply not done. So the rules are quietly ignored instead of discussed.
- They are with your child for most of the day. If both parents work, the grandparents carry the real therapy load and may be tired.
The common clashes, and a middle path for each
| Situation | What often happens | Why the therapist asks otherwise | A middle path |
|---|---|---|---|
| Meltdown or tantrum | Phone or sweet given to stop the crying | If screaming brings the phone, the child learns screaming works | Comfort and stay close, without giving the thing that was refused |
| Mealtimes | Feeding by hand with a cartoon playing | The goal may be self-feeding and trying new textures | Child does the first few bites alone, then Dadi feeds the rest, with songs instead of the phone |
| Talking | Grandparent answers for the child or hands over things before they ask | The speech goal is to create a reason to communicate | Wait five seconds for a sound, word, sign or point before helping |
| Dressing and bathing | Everything done for the child | Occupational therapy is building independence | Child does only the last step: pulls the sock up, puts the towel on the hook |
| Therapy homework | Skipped because "he's tired, let him play" | Practice between sessions is where skills grow | Turn the practice into a game the grandparent leads |
The screen point is not just the therapist's opinion. The Indian Academy of Pediatrics screen time guidelines say screens should not be used to make a child eat, or as an easy way to calm a crying child, and recommend no screens at all under 2. Sharing that it is the doctors' advice often lands better than "I read it somewhere". For mealtime battles more broadly, see our post on mealtime struggles with sensory-sensitive children.
Turning grandparents into allies
- Invite them to watch a session. Seeing a child laugh through an occupational therapy swing session, or say a new word, changes minds faster than any argument. Home sessions make this easy.
- Let the therapist explain the "why". Ask the therapist to speak to the grandparents directly, and to show one simple thing they can do. A neutral professional saying it means you do not have to.
- Give them a job they are good at. Rhymes, stories, the evening walk to the temple, pointing out cows and buses: grandparents are often brilliant at language-rich play.
- Write the plan on one page. Three rules at most, in the language they read, stuck on the fridge. A visual schedule of the day helps everyone stay on the same routine.
- Praise them specifically. "Ma, she said 'ball' twice with you today. Whatever you did, keep doing it."
- Ask their advice on something real. Which festival foods might she try? Which old song does he like best? People support plans they helped shape.
- Share progress. Show them the therapist's notes or a short video of improvement, and credit their part in it.
Scripts for grandparents: what to actually say
When Dadi gives the phone at mealtime
"Ma, I know it makes him eat faster. The doctors have said no phone while eating at his age. Can you tell him the crow and the pot story instead? He listens to you more than to me."
When Nana rescues during a meltdown
"Papa, I know it's hard to watch. The therapist said if he gets the phone when he screams, he'll learn that screaming works. Can you sit next to him and keep him safe, without the phone? He just needs you near."
When they say "therapy is making him cry"
"He's not being hurt. He's being asked to try something hard, and he's cross about it. That's what learning looks like at his age. Come and sit in tomorrow's session and see for yourself."
When they say "in our time we didn't need all this"
"You're right, and you raised us well. Aarav's brain works a bit differently, so he needs a few extra tricks. They only work if you help us, because he spends the most time with you."
When Nani wants to feed her by hand
"Can she do the first five bites herself, and then you feed her the rest? The OT is working on her hands, and she's so proud when she manages it in front of you."
When a grandparent answers for your child
"Mummy ji, let's wait for him to say it. Count to five in your head. If he doesn't try, then you help."
When your spouse needs to speak to their own parents
In many families it works better if the son or daughter talks to their own parents. A line for your spouse: "Ma, this isn't her idea alone. We decided together, and the therapist asked us. I need you to help us with it."
If the issue is comments and criticism rather than daily routines, our scripts for handling judgemental comments from relatives and unsolicited advice cover that ground.
Choosing your battles
You cannot make a joint family run like a therapy clinic, and you should not try. Decide together with your spouse and therapist which few things matter most this month.
- Hold firm on: safety, the one or two goals the therapist is focusing on right now, and no hitting or shaming. The American Academy of Pediatrics' advice for grandparents is to keep discipline consistent with the parents' style and never use physical punishment.
- Let go of: the extra laddoo at Diwali, bedtime stories in a language you don't speak, a little more cuddling than you would allow. These are part of being a grandchild.
Children cope well with some differences between adults ("At Dadi's house we have kheer on Sundays"). What confuses them is when the same behaviour gets a different response every time.
When grandparents are the main caregivers
If both of you work and the grandparents run the day, they are effectively your child's co-therapists. Treat them that way: include them in planning, ask the therapist to train them, and make sure they get breaks. Supporting a child with extra needs is physically tiring at 65 or 70, and grandparents often hide their exhaustion. Our posts on grandparent caregivers and joint family dynamics go deeper.
Protecting the relationship
Your child needs their grandparents more than they need a perfectly consistent routine. Keep disagreements private and never argue in front of your child. Remember that grandparents often grieve twice: for their grandchild's struggles and for their own child's pain. Sometimes the resistance is that grief, and what they need first is for someone to say, "I know this is hard for you too."
When to get professional help
Ask your child's therapist for a family session if conflict at home is stalling your child's progress, if you and your spouse fight about it often, or if a grandparent is so distressed they cannot see the plan clearly. Family tension is common, and therapists deal with it all the time. If the strain is affecting your own mental health, it is worth getting support for yourself too.
Because Carely's therapists come to your home in Bangalore, grandparents can watch sessions, ask questions in their own words, and learn the same strategies the therapist uses. See our services or message us on WhatsApp to plan a session the whole family can join.
Related reading: Explaining Your Child's Needs to a Nanny or House Help and When Your Child Is Left Out of Birthday Parties.
Frequently asked questions
How do I get my in-laws to follow the therapy plan?
Invite them to watch a session, let the therapist explain the reasons directly, and keep the plan to two or three clear rules. Ask your spouse to speak to their own parents if hierarchy makes it hard for you.
Is it okay for grandparents to feed my child by hand?
Hand-feeding is a loving tradition. If your child's therapist is working on self-feeding, try a middle path: your child feeds themselves for the first part of the meal and the grandparent feeds the rest.
What if grandparents keep giving the phone to stop tantrums?
Explain that the Indian Academy of Pediatrics advises against using screens to calm a crying child, and give them an alternative that works, such as a song, a walk to the balcony or a favourite toy. Agree on what to do before the next meltdown, not during it.
Should grandparents attend therapy sessions?
If they spend a lot of time with your child, yes. Watching a session is often the moment they understand what the therapist is doing and start helping.
Will inconsistency at home undo therapy progress?
Some differences between adults are normal in any family. What matters most is that everyone responds the same way to the few behaviours the therapist is focusing on right now, so tell your therapist if that is not happening.